In the midst of this flash of weeks and glimpses of days that has become my life, I have drifted back into my insomniac ways. This is both good and bad, but I have yet to decide which overrules the other. It is good in the sense that I get shit done. Shit I never even knew I had to do. I have those moments at 2am where I suddenly recall where I've put something or a homework assignment that needs attention. It is good in the sense that I haven't had less laundry to do since I moved into my own place. It is good in the sense that my dog may also be suffering from bouts of a sleep disorder. I'd normally complain, but it's nice to have the company. It is bad in the sense that the rest of the world requires normal sleeping hours and therefore any interaction that I deem necessary with the outside world at this time must be put on hold. It is also bad because my own bad rest habits have severely confused my puppy about what time zone we reside in. However, these things are neither here nor there. This blog isn't exactly about my being an insomniac nor what I do in those wee hours of the morning, but more about the thoughts that enter my less than drowsy mind at this time. I have begun to greatly question my character. Who am I? Who was I? How do I appear? Most of all, supposing that 'good' does have a definition, am I a good person? I'd like to think I am, but perhaps different people would pose different arguments on this specific topic. Here's my own thoughts:
1. I have an unmistakeably-can't live without-great influence-loving-caring-take you in on a rainy night sort of family. I would argue tooth and nail with anyone about the absolute greatness of the people who raised me and those I was raised among. I have been given great opportunities, financial and physical. I was raised with a strong sense of self, taught to go out and face the world. I love my parents for the confidence they have given me. I was encouraged my entire life to leave home after high school, get an education and a job I loved (my mom always says 'you have to work a long time so pick something that makes you happy'), and make a life for myself. I was raised to develop ambition, a good mind, and a strong independent nature.
2. Under my awful procrastination, I am a hard worker. I recently had my palm read and this was one of the most prominent things I was told. Me? Hard working? I'd never really dared define myself this way because of the recurring, less-than-great habits that often cover this up. Yet when opportunities to work hard in life involved something I genuinely care about, am interested in, or love, I'm willing to spend hours and ounces of sanity to get things done.
3. Giving sound advice is in my nature. The small amount of friends I do have (not for lack of trying but more by choice) are typically my friends due to my ability to communicate with them. I love to discuss issues and try to find fitting solutions. I try and often succeed to look at things from multiple angles and perspectives, take a non-judgmental approach, and find an intelligent way to attack. I don't sugar coat things. I'm honest yet helpful. I hope the people I have come to encounter this with appreciate that.
4. I'm in love with a detective. Deal with it. From the second I brought him home, I knew his curiosity would win me over. The way he explored the same things each day like it was a whole new adventure has given me a new love for living. Watson had my heart from the second I picked him up out of a Rubbermaid tub in Provo. He's protective and loving. He keeps my feet on the ground (though it's usually because he wants to bite or lick them). He takes care of my heart and soul, something I'm so thankful for.
5. Patience has never been my strongest suite, but tolerance for others might be. I feel like there are numerous idiots in the world (sorry Lindsay Lohan, Sarah Palin, and anyone on Jersey Shore). Though my road rage and overreactions to the stupid ways some people approach an issue don't necessarily support this statement, I feel that I was raised to believe that no thing is better than the other. We aren't lesser or greater, but rather different. I try extremely hard to tolerate those who I don't particularly agree with and though I don't succeed always, I think I try much harder than most would. I guess if you don't agree with this, I can try to make room for some tolerance for you too.
I guess there is a lot more that could be said, but this is all that comes to mind at 12:39AM. I'm a overall at least okay person with a vibrant soul and a clear mind. I treat other with the respect they have shown themselves worthy of and I only influence people in a way that is going to be beneficial to them. I don't manipulate. I don't lie. I don't tell others what to do. I'm honest. I'm trustworthy. I'm kind to those who stay long enough to see it. I'm caring to everyone to the point that I sometimes exclude myself. I know that there are some people in or now out of my life that haven't taken the opportunity to see this and for that I am sorry. I'm not sorry for a lack of trying on my behalf, but rather sorry to them that they don't care to break down my rough exterior to witness the person I know I am.
xoxo.
morgan.
My Beliefs
14 years ago
