Nuggets of My First 20 Years: Inspired by Chelsea Handler

Lately I have been absolutely consumed by two things: a need for sunshine and Chelsea Handler's latest masterpiece Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. Not only is the funniest author I have come in contact with since Jen Lancaster, but she speaks the truth no matter how profane or hilarious it might be. She also has a show on late night E! called Chelsea Lately, which if you haven't seen, I would highly recommend it. On this show, Chelsea provides 30 minutes of crude, lude humor along with her panel of roundtable comedians and her faithful assistant, Chuy. This little ball of charisma just so happens to be a hispanic little person (see oxymoron) or in Chelsea's words "a sweet little nugget". In honor of Chuy's literary efforts and my 20th birthday which just so happens to be today, I have decided to create a list of 20 of some of the most interesting/funny/valuable "nuggets" of information I have gathered over the last two decades.

#20: Ricky Martin may or may not have been the last person to know he is gay.
#19: It is never a good idea to play beer pong with hard alcohol. There's a reason it's called beer pong.
#18: Dogs can eat anything from paper napkins to cans, but NOT shellfish.
#17: Telling some to "drive safe" is relatively pointless. I mean it's not like you are going to say "please drive excessively fast and use road rage as often as possible".
#16: No matter what they tell you, never let your older sisters cut your hair.
#15: As time goes on, it seems like corporations are cutting more and more corners. For example, McDonalds' Happy Meal toys used to be gender specific. No more.
#14: Whoever invented the Furby was seriously disturbed.
#13: Dumb is not entertaining (see The Amazing Race 15).
#12: People who think Twilight is outstanding literature need to be slapped.
#11: Don't take life too seriously. Nobody makes it out alive.
#10: If you can't keep a pet alive, please do not reproduce. If you can't keep a plant alive, we have bigger problems.
#9: Cereal should be a food group. You can thank my mother for this.
#8: If you have enough time to learn how to play Halo or World of Warcraft, you need to get a job, a significant other, or both.
#7: Beauty magazines will usually make you feel like there is something wrong with your appearance.
#6: College is not a place for drama, slacking, or your small children.
#5: A religion should fit you. You don't have to fit that religion.
#4: Metal does not belong in the microwave. Just trust me here.
#3: If you don't shit, you die. Thanks for the advice, Daddy-O.
#2: Ames makes the best shovels.
#1: I'm 20? I used to think I'd be dead by now.

xoxo.
Morgan